What's a girl to do?

"Day 49 of her incarceration, and La Tarzane is wondering what sag paneer and patatas bravas mixed together would taste like ..."

So, it's been a few weeks now, and I seem to have passed through the bored stage and reached a happy equilibrium of pootling about very slowly and finding lots of little things to fill my day - it's a pity that "not doing anything" (e.g. productive) and "being on enforced holiday" are not recognised occupations, because I feel I have a rare and underused talent in this department.

So what does a one-legged adventurer find to do?




Well, there's been plenty of this; feet up and lounging on the sofa, surfing the net or ploughing my way through books ... this is exacly when being someone who likes lounging for hours in front of the TV would be handy, and I have had the odd evening vegging in front of the box, but I guess I'm just more of a Radio-4-and-a-nice-cup-of-tea kinda gal ...






I have acquired a new skill thanks to my dear friend UrbanCynic - the art of crocheting! It is so easy to get sucked into making things that are pretty to begin with, and it is only after several hours that you realise that your are dangerously close to making a doilie ... but witness a couple of my first efforts, a flowery scarf for summer (above) and a triangular thingy ...


I've also hired a wheelchair, and every now and then one of my dear dear friends has plucked up the energy to push me out into the big wide world and remind me that I am part of society - have so far managed the cinema, a couple of Brian Eno gigs at the Brighton festival, and I'm glad to say more than one cream tea ...

So, overall, things could be a lot worse - who wouldn't want to be sitting the sunshine (OK, a rarity, I admit), partaking of fine courgette and lime cake? Chin up!


P.S. would still be lovely to hear from you though, sometimes need reminding that the rest of the world is still there!

A very British institution

I've mentioned before that I've now got rather more mixed feelings about the NHS, although from what I've heard recently I've had a walk in the park compared to so many - but then I was in the brand spanking new 'flagship' hospital of UCLH in London, so how much worse it must be where hospitals are struggling in old buildings with more limited finances ...

But while things were not all rosy, there were definitely ups as well as downs, and overall it felt like a very British affair, trying hard but failing to pull off anything with efficiency or flair - think the cringing British efforts at the Olympic handover (Boris Johnson, need I say more) after the sheer enormity and genius of the Chinese show ... but then, in that typical British way, we love our crapness and slight eccentricity in so many areas of life - Eddie the Eagle for President! I just don't think a health service is where we should really be putting up with such a kooky approach to standards ...

So in the interests of balance, here is a short summary of the highs and lows of that great British institution - the NHS.

FOR:

- IT'S FREE!!!! At no point since returning to the UK has anyone asked me for any money, with food, care, medecines and crutches made available upfront and without a single question about income or insurance. When compared to Jordan, where none of these things are provided without flashing the cash, or even somewhere like France, where you generally have to pay upfront for all but absolute emergency treatment and then fill out a million forms to get some/all of it reimbursed, the lack of having to worry about money on top of being ill is a blessing, and don't you forget it!

- the many kind nurses and patients who gave me support and made me smile during the long days in hospital. Although I was starting to go stir crazy (even after a relatively short time compared to so many), I felt that I could get through it and could have gone on for longer if necessary. The eternal patience of the nursing staff in particular was a joy for myself and others, and they deserve so much more pay and recognition than they get!


- free availability of pain killers; I was offered a veritable cocktail whenever I asked for it, and we all love the morphine machine ...









NOT SO FOR:

- wards; I know it's a far more efficient use of space, but it only takes one thoughtless biddie or one person in extreme pain to make life for everyone else more uncomfortable

- bureaucracy and note-taking; this was probably the bit that worried me the most - I had a file as thick as an (old-style) telephone book after only a week, but it seemed to consist of a lot of unused pages and forms and then relevant notes either missing, unclear or just plain wrong. For example ...

1. My operation notes and post-op plan did not appear in my file for three days (interestingly corresponding to the May bank holiday), so that for each of those days the doctor on call did not have any idea what had happened to me and what needed to happen next. Twice in those three days the new doctor asked why I was still in hospital and tried to send me home, and it was up to me to explain that due to complications I was supposed to be staying in and resting for a re-evaluation after five days. Good job I was on the ball (while under the effects of major drugs too) and not less feisty or, God forbid, foreign and unable to understand what was going on ...

2. My drugs notes appeared to be spread out all over the place, leading to one drug not being given to me for 3 days. I also had a problem with my antibiotic drip, which I was on for 48 hours before my last operation to fight off a cellulitis infection. I ended up being given the antibiotics for 72 hours in total, rather than for another 72 hours after the operation as the surgeon had requested. Lucky I have a strong immune system eh ...

3. On the morning after my last surgery, I was visited by the registrar who knew my case and he gave me a very brief outline of what had happened and told me to stay in bed and keep the leg elevated at all times. However, someone wrote in my notes that my leg was ready for touch-weightbearing after surgery, and barely 5 minutes after the registrar had gone a woman from physio arrived and announced that I was going to start learning to walk with the leg. I thought she meant hobbling on one leg, but when I got out of bed and was ready to go she strapped a shoe on the bad leg and explained that I was going to have to get used to putting some weight on it as soon as possible. I was a bit confused and said that this didn't sound right, but she insisted that my notes indicated that I was ready for this and pushed me into trying at least one step. I did and it hurt like hell, and fighting back some tears I explained to her that it all didn't make sense because the registrar had been there 5 minutes before telling me not to put any weight on it whatever I did. To be fair, the physio did look confused as well at that point, and I also spotted the registrar down the corridor and suggested that she go and talk to him. She did and came back apologising and telling me to get back into bed. And yet ... the next day the same conversation with a different registrar, as my notes still hadn't been changed, and I would not let this one leave until 'NON-WEIGHTBEARING' had been written in big letters on my file where everyone would see it. Again, lucky I'm feisty and was able to take in what the doctor said through my haze of drugs, rather than acquiescing to doing what I was told even when those things didn't add up ...

All not very confidence-inspiring, and could have turned out so much worse ...

- doctors with shockingly poor bed manners. I thought that this must be one of those stereotypes dating from the bad old days, but was shocked to find that to this day so many of the surgeons and other senior consultants I came across really are that aloof, arrogant and puffed up with their own superiority over us lesser mortals. One guy in particular made me cringe - the first he appeared at the end of my bed with his gaggle of students he ignored me completely even after I said hello. His second visit was even better - I'd been listening to the radio on headphones and didn't notice him arrive, but took off my headphones and apologised when I saw that he was looking at me and saying something. However, for having the temerity to address him AKA God of the known universe I was repelled with the well-deserved comment "I'm not talking to you" and duly ignored again for the rest of the visit. Feeling the love I was not ....

Overall rating of the experience so far? I choose another truly British phrase from the school reports of our yesteryear (and today?) - "could do better"

Bof ...

Just a quick little video that I wanted to share with you, Jordan's King Abdullah talking about working in an Arabic society ... from the horse's mouth!

Help?

I've been forced to do some thinking about my life and the world around me over the last few weeks ... nothing really new to me, but just having certain things reinforced about big institutions, public services and support networks, and where I sit in all that. I'm not sure yet how it will all impact in the long term, but at the moment I'm feeling a lot less certain about throwing myself back into the big wide world on my own ... but maybe I'm just feeling a bit low at the moment.

After the very mixed level of health care I found in Jordan, I was looking forward to getting home to the UK and getting fixed up, having only really had positive experiences of the NHS before that - but then again, how far wrong can you go with vaccinations and the odd smear test? I'm a bit less enthusiastic now, and have heard some real horror stories, but it's a mixed bag which I'll go into later ..

But even more than that, I'm glad that I came back because of all the family and friends I have in the UK who can come and be with me through the tough times - in Jordan I would have felt much more isolated despite the offers of help from my wonderful but busy friends and colleagues, and somehow it's easier to phone up your Mum or your oldest friends and ask them to bring you a flannel or to wash your pyjamas. Also, the setup at my flat in Jordan (many stairs without banisters, deep baths etc) would have made day-to-day living difficult and getting out and about almost impossible.

It's when you're ill or incapacitated in some way that being single and independent takes on a new angle - not having someone at home, always having to ask for help from others who also have their own lives to live ... Both my insurance company and work didn't seem to understand why I wanted to come back to the UK so much, rather than having my treatment in Jordan, and said that since they considered the health care adequate there they also thought I should have stayed there. When I explained to them both that I couldn't even wash on my own, and certainly couldn't go out and shop, and asked if they were going to provide me with any kind of carer in Jordan, they said that it wasn't their responsibility ...

It seems they didn't think I was being completely unreasonable though, but their next tack was to came back to say that I should get someone to come out from the UK to help me. They seemed genuinely surprised when I said that I couldn't think of anyone who could drop everything to come look after me for weeks on end. Even worse, work followed this by saying 'can't your Mum come out?', as if all she does is sit at home crocheting and waiting to be called on to serve her children for months at a time! It has taken me breaking down into tears on the phone to get any sympathy for my situation, and now work is at least pretending to understand how I see things and is offering some help.

In one sense, this just showed me how much my workplace is dominated by old-fashioned attitudes - they didn't suggest my Dad coming out, after all, or imagine that I might come from a ('poor'?) family where people have to work for a living ... a big fat cross against the diversity box! More than that though, this whole situation has hammered home to me how vulnerable I am making myself by choosing to be so far away from loved ones ... and by that I mean the people who will help me get my knickers on, let me cry on their shoulder and put up with me squatting on their sofa for days on end. I feel blessed to have so many true friends like this, but am also feeling torn that my lifestyle and work takes me so far from them - and now have some real experience of the fact that I'm never going to get anywhere near the same level of support from work. I also can't rely on finding similarly fabulous people in every country that I land in, although so far I've been lucky enough, and even when I'm with people who'd like to help, they're not always in a position to and I feel bad asking for too much from people who have their own issues and busy schedules.

But I love my job ... least I have plenty of time to think about it all, another five weeks before I can put any weight on the foot, and then physio, oodles of time to ponder the future ...